


Do NOT read it

by beentheredonethat



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Vulnerable Carmilla, carmilla has a diary, it just ended my life, just an idea after the last episode killed me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 01:08:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4120786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beentheredonethat/pseuds/beentheredonethat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla Karnstein really is a creature of the night but what if she has a diary in which she just talks about her days with Laura? What if in that diary she is once again the 18 year old she once was?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do NOT read it

The decision of not telling them who were the previous residents of this place was the right call, one shouldn't run towards doom if not necessary and I think I've done that enough times to know it never ends well (except last time when I slew a god and got Laura) also she has plenty on her mind as it is.

Coming back here felt easier than I thought it would be. It is tremendously hard to feel at home when leading a life such as mine but Silas has always been somewhat of a known house, I could always come here and meet Mother – not that I ever did. This specific part of Styria has been the only constance in my life and returning after facing what I did to the girls and murdering the one I had as a maternal figure should reveal itself as a pain of sorts but it didn't. Mother is still dead, the god is stuck on a crater and the Lustig has finally been destroyed.

Laura keeps on talking about how I saved everyone and how heroic I turned out to be and I'm tentatively starting to let myself try and believe her. I did do the things she talks about and she has gifted me with nothing more than care and gratitude so why wouldn't I accept it? Why would my mind go back to the faces of the countless girls I delivered to certain death? I try to deny it, try to say I was only a lurer but what's the point? I made them like me, made them fall in love even so it'd be easier for Mother to send the actual captors and finish the job. Without me nothing would come to be. She keeps on saying she started all this, what if she's wrong? What if I did? But then I look into her eyes and see nothing but purity and honesty, I see how Laura sees me and I know she may be wrong and I also know she may make it be right. Because that's what she does. She makes me do right by everyone so my sins are payed and my mistakes forgiven.

Laura Hollis is the light. The one who made me fully understand Parmenides contradiction between lightness and weight.

Which is better?

Now I know.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The Voice of Silas is no more.

Perry is acting weird.

There may be more to it than she cares to admit, we should definitely not go to the newspaper head quarters, we should leave once and for all. I should tie Laura to myself to stop her from walking around the Alps and that's it. We could just forget about this place and live together somewhere very far away.

But that's not going to happen because Laura feels responsible for what happened and she also feels bad for fleeing campus after the battle. I wonder if there's anything to do with the fact that Xena did not accompany us, she hasn't talked about her in a while.

Why did I agree on staying?

Why didn't I try to reason with her? (and LaFontaine since the ginger scientist is “all for adventures”)

This is going to end badly.

We (Laura talking aloud and pretending I was a part of the conversation she was having with herself) spent a lot of time trying to come up with ways to help Perry. She said I should stop with the nicknames and being so snarky about the murder spree as if I can change my personality after more than three hundred years of existence. 

She really is a good person but her way to help her friend is nothing more than selfish. Yeah, well, I'm just going to pretend I don't see them and keep studying my own notes on the phylosophycal side of the eternal return because honestly, who gives a shit?

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

First things first.

How adorably dorky is my girlfriend?

She and Perry actually took their times to make an opening for the Silas News Network thing (which isgoing to fail miserably) and she keeps on making that scrunched up expression and it still is hilarious.

They should have been here when the feud between the Summer Society Sisters and the Zetas started, those were good fights. Blood and guts all around while the book worms, such as J.P, ran to the library or their dorms thinking they'd be safe. Those were good times.

Perry is apparently better, still shaky but the newspaper thing really did help her. She was going crazy about LaFontaine out there but LaF is smart, they'd never get caught ~again~ by the evil side of this campus.

They all should have talked to me before starting this, I would have instantly said no, we are not going to do the exact same thing the now murdered students were doing, we are not going to draw attention to ourselves again (or let Laura do that once more) but since when do I actualy have a say? Since when am I more than the savior? The one to call when in danger, the fucking knight in a shiny armor who carries the big sword.

I am not saying what it looks like. Laura is a lot more than I deserve. She is **it**. But her constant need to say I am those things is beginning to sound like something else entirely and it's not something I like hearing. I should probably just talk to her and explain how I feel, right?

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Like it's the only reason you love me.

That's what I said to her and what frightens me the most is not knowing how she would respond. Is there a part of her that actually likes me with truthfulness? Aside from me saving her and her friends. If we were to meet in another life or another part of my life in which Mother wasn't asking for me to rip young girls from their lives, would she fall for me? Would she love me?

Truth is, I simply cannot fathom the idea of my life without her and that's rather tricky (not to mention immensely hurtful) for I have no idea how to be with her forever, but what of her? Is Laura able to see her life without me? Could she be happy with someone else? Someone like Danny Lawrence or any other girl who is righteous by nature and preferably human.

I can't help but remember Mother's words when I first spoke of Ell. I was naive and she had been in a good mood for the last couple of years or so. Then I told her about this girl in a desperate attempt to get Mother to spare her out of love for me, Mother laughed and said those wretched words for the first time _“She can never love you. She is weak and meaningless whilst I raised you to be strong and willful”_. Laura is nothing but strong and brave however will she be strong enough to bear with me for long? To fight by my side when old enemies come knocking or am I the one who must always fight unwanted battles for her?

Save reckless people whom I barely know for her love. Will that be at last my fate? After all these years of roaming alone and building nothing but a pile of regrets, my end is to be a servant for this girl's every wish and only then, in return, receive her love.

Will she ever realize I'm nothing more than a vampire? A monster with no control whatsoever over who wins the battle. Will she understand I'm still the eighteen-year-old girl who was murdered at a ball? Am I still that girl? Is there any cell of her left in my body?

Laura never asked about the ones I left behind, my original family, my true family. Maybe because I made it clear for her that I was a simple wealthy girl who couldn't care less about others or because she truly understands what I am, not the hero she is painting me but-

I should stop now. They are coming down and we are obviously going to spend precious minutes - we could be using for anything else (like kissing) - discussing once again who we should call.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Totally based on Vulnerable Carmilla and her doubts about Laura's feelings.


End file.
